This past weekend, I took a road trip to visit my brother-in-law and his wife in Kalamazoo, Michigan (yeah, it’s real).  It’s a long ride to K-Zoo (it’s even got a nickname) and the only other guy that was going, bailed on me last-minute.  It ended up being me and three women in the car for 12 hours each way.  Realizing quickly that attempting to paddle my lone raft of manhood in a sea of estrogen was futile, I decided to just go with the flow and let the conversation lead itself.  I managed to learn something remarkable:  every now and then, if you just listen to a woman, you learn something.

As expected, the conversation soon turned to complaints about men.  One complaint in particular seemed to be at the top of every one’s list:  the fact that many men today don’t pursue women, but rather wait for them to make the first move.  Being an advocate of all things manly and protector of fine manly traditions, I naturally agreed with this position, but for the sake of livening things up, I played Devil’s advocate and asked “Why, in a time in society where women have made so many advancements towards being on equal footing with men, would you want to submit to such an archaic and overtly sexist notion that relegates you to being prizes up for grabs to the most qualified caveman?” It occurred to me as I felt the cold stares of three women burning icy holes into the back of my head, that I had never thought about the answer to the question I had just posed.  Thankfully, I received no shortage of answers on exactly what my problem was.  Let’s just say, the state of Ohio will never be the same in my mind.

The thing is that, no matter how “equal” women are to men in today’s society, they will always be different.  That includes the way they view love and relationships.  I have yet to meet a woman who doesn’t want to be wooed, desired and won over by the man she wants, even if these feelings have been pushed deep down by the standards of the “modern woman.”  Likewise, every man, no matter how modernized, feminized, metrosexualized or otherwise wussified, is still competitive at heart and holds winning in high regard - especially when it comes to the love of his life.  Let’s break it down further.

In order for a man to even be attracted to a woman (more than just physically) she has to be special to him.  She has to have self-worth.  Her affection has to be selective, not just given away to any guy that pouts like Pattinson, but instead, won.  If you come across a woman like this, no doubt she’ll quickly gain your respect, but if you happen to be in the market for a mate, this is an irresistible turn-on.  It’s like a primitive switch turns on in your brain making you a ruthless hunter, stopping at nothing to beat out all the other guys that are vying for her attention, subdue them and raise their bloody entrails skyward in victory.  The harder/tougher/longer the chase, the greater the thrill of finally being with her and the more valuable she’ll be to you.  Now I know a lot of you might be scoffing at such and old-fashioned take on the subject, but let’s examine what happens when the woman becomes the pursuer.

Ladies, if you make yourself too available, even forward, it’s very likely that you will land your guy.  Men that poop on a woman’s advances are few and far between.  However, the guy you get will not see you as a prize or even as long-term relationship material.  The fact is, he won’t value you because he didn’t have to do a thing to get you.  By pursuing him, you’re basically cheating him of winning his prize, so it’s easy for him to care less about you.  You’re also cheating yourself.  You will never know how much he wants you or values you because he will never have had to prove it.  Even though it might eventually lead to a serious relationship, the foundation will be flawed by the nagging suspicion that both of you settled for less than you were worth.

So, ladies and gentlemen, your best bet on a successful relationship, regardless of your position on feminism and equality of the sexes, is to cater to the natural tendencies of both sexes and let the man do the pursuing.  As with all things, moderation and common sense are in order.  Men shouldn’t pursue every woman they meet incessantly.  I suggest applying the Brad Pitt (circa “Fight Club”) rule.  If you make your move and the woman rejects you, ask yourself, “Would she have rejected Brad Pitt (circa “Fight Club”) under the same circumstances?”  If the answer is “No,” move on, she doesn’t like you.  The important thing is that YOU make the move.  On the other hand, women shouldn’t take playing hard-to-get too far if they’re into the guy.  There’s only so many times a man can crash and burn before he gives up.  Some can take it more than others (it took me 13 years) but women should at least throw the guy a bone.  Give him a signal that he can win every now and then.

That’s it for this installment, but stay tuned for more in the “Lessons from Kalamazoo” series.  It was a great trip full of awesome experiences that need to be blogged about in a tongue-in-cheek yet subtly educational way.