As a kid, I used to love watching Dukes of Hazzard.  However, I didn’t understand why they did a lot of the things they did (why couldn’t they open the doors on the General Lee?) or why they were always in trouble (“Moonshine” sounded like it could be Rainbow Brite’s cousin, and couldn’t possibly be a bad thing.  I’ve since tasted it and I’m happy to report that I was right on all counts).  One thing always made sense to me though:  the hood-slide. 

 Iffen you’ve ever been in the presence of a ‘69 Dodge Charger, you’ll realize two things.  One, your car sucks, and two, this thing is huge.  It’s a land-yacht, and the mere thought of a Chinese fire drill in one of these will make you break out in a sweat.  It wouldn’t be practical to run around the car when high-tailin’ it away from Boss Hogg and Roscoe.  In an attempt to save time, Luke and Bo perfected the hood-slide, one of the the few Hollywood techniques that translates well into real life.  Every man should master the hood slide and be prepared to execute it at a moment’s notice. Here’s how it’s done:

 When to hood slide:  First things first.  You have to know when a hood slide is acceptable.  In a perfect world, that would be always.  Unfortunately, the rules of etiquette say otherwise.  You shouldn’t hood-slide when taking your future-in-laws out to dinner, or when getting back into your car after a field sobriety test.  However, it is completely acceptable when:

 -  You’re claiming “shotgun.” Normally, this shouldn’t be necessary, as calling “shotgun” should be enough to cement your claim.  In the event that a fellow passenger violates the sacred code of “shotgun,” it’s every man for himself.   If you manage to take your position next to the driver, balance will be restored.  If you don’t, you will be forced to forfeit your position and ride in the back seat…in the middle, with your feet resting on the drive shaft hump.  Avoid this at all costs.

 -  Your wife is in labor and you’re rushing her to the hospital.  This one’s tricky.  At some point during her pregnancy, it’s very likely that your wife will lose the ability to open doors on her own.  Some women suffer from this condition from birth.  In such a situation, it’s kind of anti-climactic when you hood-slide into the driver’s seat only to have to run back around and open the door for your wife.  As a solution, I suggest that you purposefully forget something in the house.  The excitement of the moment gives you a free pass to be absent minded, so you can run back into the house, grab a quick snack and then hood-slide it home. 

 -  Running from a beating that you completely deserve.  When a mountain of a man with a “Born to Kill” tattoo tries to cut in and you knock out his front tooth, it’s not only acceptable, but mandatory that you hood-slide to your driver’s door.  Remember to park so that your driver’s door is facing the opposite direction from your escape route, as this tends to work best.

 The technique:  Assuming you are the driver, the approach is from the passenger side.  Get a running start and, as you near the passenger side fender, place your left hand on the hood as you simultaneously swing your left leg right, and over the hood.  Your right leg should follow as you slide across the hood in a seated position, rotating your lower body and steadying yourself with your left hand as you go.  You should end up in a seated position on the opposite side of the hood and the momentum should allow you to slide right off onto your feet.  Eventually, your technique should allow you to hood-slide as smoothly as this guy (his approach is reversed).

 Remember, you should use your new-found hood-sliding powers sparingly.  Also, avoid any variations such as the “Superman” hood-slide, unless you want to put a nice scratch in the hood of your brother-in-law’s Passat with your belt buckle.