Dedicated to the poor, emasculated men of New Jersey and Oregon.

  This morning I stopped to get gas at my usual gas station a few miles from my house. I pulled in to find the place completely crowded and backed-up with traffic, and only one gas station attendant (it’s never this busy).  As soon as a pump became available I pulled up next to it, got out of my car and started to pump my own gas.  This is illegal in New Jersey.  Has been since 1949 when the legislators of this nanny state decided that pouring a liquid from a hose into a container was just too durned complicated for the layperson.  Still, most gas station attendants and just about every cop I know look the other way.  In fact, the gas station attendant gave me a little nod of “Thanks” from afar (me and Narendra are tight like that) for freeing him up to help less self-sufficient, more law-abiding customers. 

 Apparently, the guy in the Tahoe parked by the pump in front of me got tired of waiting and decided to pump his own gas too.  He stepped out of his car, debit card in-hand, slid the card in the reader and removed it quickly.  Whoops.  Wrong way.  He slid it in again and peered into the LCD screen, mouthing the words as he read.  He put his hand up to the machine, hovering a few inches from the keypad as he scanned the keys.  He wrinkled his brow, looked around and then turned to me.  Before he even opened his mouth I said, “Just hit ‘Enter.’”  He hit it, peered into the soul of the machine once again and said, “Thanks.”  Poor guy.

 He reminded me of the first time I was faced with the task of pumping my own gas.  Having been raised in NJ and never having had a reason to get gas in another state, I brushed it off as a task assigned to those in “less-privileged” states and assumed it was self-explanatory.  Then came the day I faced the pump on my own.  I had to drive to Pennsylvania for an appointment and didn’t have enough time to get gas on my way up.  I knew I couldn’t make it back and would have to get gas there.  As I pulled into the station, a Volkswagen Cabrio pulled up to the pump next to mine, top-down, brimming with cute, teen-aged girls.  Nice.  I smiled.  They smiled.  Things were going well.  Then I hit a snag.

 Pump:  “ENTER DOLLAR AMOUNT: $_.__”
 Me:  “I don’t want a dollar amount, I want to fill it up.”
 Pump:  “ENTER DOLLAR AMOUNT: $_.__”
 Me:  “OK, I get it but where’s the ‘Fillerup’ button?”
 Pump:  “ENTER DOLLAR AMOUNT: $_.__”
 Me:  “I don’t know the dollar amount, pump! YOU’RE supposed to tell me when I’m done filling up my tank!  I’m not a mind reader!”  

 As I looked over at the “Car O’ Honeys,”  I noticed they were already done and getting ready to leave.  To my dismay, their smiles of what I can only assume to be weak-kneed admiration had turned to giggles of ridicule.  This whole thing was starting to play out like a bad health class video about puberty.  It wasn’t fair!  Didn’t they see my license plate?  It’s not my fault!  I’m from New Jersey!  I hung my head and took the walk of shame to the kiosk to ask the attendant what the heck was wrong with that stupid pump.  She (of course, it would be a girl, wouldn’t it) uttered three magical words: Just. Hit. Enter.  Amazing.

 Thankfully, those of you reading this who happen to live in NJ or Oregon don’t have to go through this humiliation.  Here’s a step-by-step on how to pump your own gas like a seasoned pro:

 Step 1: Know which side your gas tank is on and pull up to the pump accordingly.  Duh.

 Step 2: Insert your card into the reader.  Typically, the magnetic strip goes toward the center of the reader.  For example, if the slot to insert your card is on the right side of the reader, make sure your strip is facing left.  The strip should usually go towards the top, but that can vary also.  Once you’re, done make sure you put your card back in your wallet.  It’s easy to get distracted and leave it in the slot.

 Step 3:  ENTER DOLLAR AMOUNT $_.__.  If you happen to know how much you want to spend, key it in.  If you want to fill the tank - say it with me- “Just hit ‘Enter’.”

 Step 4: Select grade.  Usually there’s three choices.  Hit the button above the grade you want. 

Fact: Gas stations only have two grades of gas: Regular and Premium.  The middle grade is a blend of the two, mixed at the pump.

 Step 5: Gas up.  Open your gas door and remove the gas cap (if it’s not attached to the car, keep it somewhere safe, like in your hand).  Pick the nozzle up off the cradle, lift the cradle (not always required) and stick the nozzle in the filler tube, making sure the rubber seal covers the hole.  Squeeze the nozzle and set the stop.  It’s a little hinged piece of metal that fits into a groove to keep the pump flowing, hands-free. Once it stops, release the stop, remove the nozzle (careful you don’t get gas on your paint!) and place it back in the cradle.  The worst is over.  Screw the gas cap back in, shut the gas door and do a burnout as you wave at all the suckers still waiting for the attendant.

 *This article is for informational purposes only.  We here at RSDII don’t condone breaking the law, no matter how dumb it may be.  Pump your own gas at your own risk.