Ahhh, Scotch.  Sweet nectar of life.

 There (hopefully) comes a time in every man’s life when alcohol consumption transforms from the standard collegiate ritual of getting plastered, to an enjoyable habit of moderation.  Suddenly, the allure of polishing off a fifth of Rumple Minze without becoming incontinent starts to wear off and you search for something more refined.  Something you can actually taste.  Some men turn to wine (don’t ask me why) while others enjoy exploring the litany of microbreweries out there.  But, for the real man, there can only be one spirit that rules over all others:  Whisky.  Specifically, Scotch Whisky.

 First, a note on spelling.  I’m not (totally) illiterate.  There is, in fact, a difference between the word “whiskey” and the word “whisky.”  “Whiskey” is a general term referring to all spirits that fall under that category, while the term “Whisky” is reserved for a spirit that is specifically of Scottish origin (ok, ok, and Canadian, but I mean seriously.  Canada?!).  But, enough about that.

 Scotch is a seldom understood drink.  Few people know how to enjoy it and, sadly, Hollywood hasn’t helped to educate anyone on the topic (except, of course, Ben Stiller’s request for a “Johnny Red, neat”).  On top of that, there’s blended Scotch, vatted Scotch, single malt Scotch, single barrel Scotch, cask strength Scotch, etc. which tends to add to the confusion.  For the purpose of this post, I’ll be focusing on single malt Scotch with some mention of blended whisky. 

 Single malt Scotch is what is most commonly referred to as “Scotch.”  All it means is that the whisky is made of only pure malt from a single distillery.  Blended whisky is made of both malt and grain alcohols and can come from any number of distilleries.  The famous Johnny Walker line is made up entirely of blended whiskys.  There’s a lot of info regarding how Scotch is distilled, what part of Scotland it comes from, what type of barrels it was aged in etc. but I’m assuming your Google-fu is strong and you can look up the additional info at your leisure.  This is about how to enjoy it.

 So, let’s say you’ve been invited to a Scotch-tasting and you have no clue what you’re doing. There’s no shame in being a noob, but you should know what to expect.  Here’s a basic primer on how to enjoy Scotch without looking like a buffoon.

 Step 0:  Preparation.  If you’re the host of such an event it’s important to have the right accoutrements for your guests to enjoy the experience. 

 Glasses are important.  Tempted to serve single malt Scotch in a tumbler?  You should be beaten with a rubber hose.  I’d say that 75% of enjoying Scotch is the “nosing” (we’ll get to that) and the glass you serve the Scotch in should be shaped to direct the smell to a central point at the top of the glass.  You can get my personal favorite, a Glencairn glass, or simply use a tulip-shaped wine goblet.  It does the trick just fine.  However, don’t bean your landlady in the back of the head with your tumblers just yet.  A good single malt is best enjoyed with a blended whisky on the side.  You can sip on some Johnny Black or Teacher’s from a tumbler with ONE OR TWO ice cubes while you’re single malt opens up (it should take about 15-20 minutes to fully enjoy a dram of single malt).

 Other items that come in handy are bottled/filtered/distilled water (important), straws (for “eye-dropping” water) and maybe some scraps of paper for note-taking (do you really think you’ll remember anything after your third or fourth Scotch?).

 Step 1:  Color and body.  Pour yourself a dram (about 1.5 ounces) and lift the glass up to the light.  Notice the color and write down whatever comes to mind.  Don’t worry about those snooty wine-tasting terms.  That’s for pansies.  Instead, write what comes to mind - apple juice, honey, cider, super-yellow-vitamin-pee.  Then, swirl the Scotch around in the glass so that it coats the side.  See the little rivulets that run down the side?  Those are the “legs.”  The longer they’re up the fuller the body of the Scotch.  Again make a note - honey, milk, water, snot, mercury.

 Step 2:  Nose.  Ok here’s the deal.  Your tongue is only capable of tasting 4 flavors: sweet, salty, sour and bitter.  Not much variety there.  On the other hand, your nose can detect thousands of odors.  It seems like a waste to just slurp down Scotch without enjoying the smell.  Start by inhaling slowly about 2 inches above the glass (mouth slightly open so you don’t singe your nostrils).  Note what you smell, and feel free to get creative - aluminum, pencil shavings, Grandma, hippies, dog ear, face oil.  Swirl the Scotch to coat the glass again (more surface area means more smell) and inhale with your nose on the rim.  Note any new scents - pepper, rotten apples, Brylcreem, corn flakes, tar, smoke.  Repeat the steps as often as you like.  The smell of Scotch transforms over time.  Meanwhile, you can take sips of your blended whisky and compare.

 Step 3: Taste.  Ahh, the good part.  Take a small sip and hold it in your mouth.  Never, ever spit out Scotch.  If you do, I swear I will find you and kill you.  If that’s your thing, go to a wine tasting instead.  We clear?  Ok. You should let the Scotch run over your entire tongue before swallowing so you can get all of your taste buds involved.  Make note of how it tastes on different parts of your tongue and the “finish”(aftertaste) - boot leather, slim jim, vanilla chai, milk duds, antifreeze, grass.  Take a sip of the blended whisky and try it again. 

 Step 4: Add water.  No, I’m not kidding.  Adding water enhances the flavor and nose of single malt whisky.  It allows the Scotch to “open up” and takes the edge off the alcohol burn so you can enjoy a whole new layer of odors and flavors.  Now, I’m not talking about drowning your whisky.  Remember the water and straws from step 1?  Carefully add THREE OR FOUR DROPS MAX to your Scotch using the straw.  Swirl it around, take a few sips of your blended whisky and start again at step 2.   

 By now you should be getting the hang of it.  Make sure to take good notes so that you can compare at the end of the night (more fun than it sounds.  Just try and keep a straight face after a few Scotches while telling your friends you “detected hints of patchouli and under-boob sweat”).  When you recover, you’ll know which one was your favorite and exactly what to look for at the liquor store for your own collection.