This morning, on my way to work, I saw a sight that never ceases to irk me.  A tow-truck driver was changing a flat tire on a Lexus, on the side of the road, in the rain, while the driver, a perfectly healthy middle-aged man, stood behind him watching from under his umbrella.  He was on his cell phone and seemed -get this- “annoyed.”  You might be saying to yourself “What’s the big deal?  He probably has ‘Triple-A’ or some form of roadside assistance that he paid for, and he’s using it.”  While that may be true, I’m sure there are countless other people on the road who have true emergencies, are handicapped, elderly or have a car full of kids who now have to wait that much longer to receive assistance because this guy didn’t want to get dirty.
   But, besides the whole “common decency” angle, there’s just something inherently wrong about a stranger doing something as simple as changing a tire on your car.  Being a car-guy myself, it’s as if, while walking down the street one day, my wife tripped and fell and, instead of doing it myself, I whipped out my cell phone and called a stranger to pick her up, dust her off, give her a kiss on the forehead and a pat on the butt.  There are just some things that a man needs to do himself.  Just because someone else is willing, however low the price (there’s always a price), doesn’t mean they should.
 That being said, let’s move on to the meat of this post:  How to change a flat tire yourself in ten easy steps.

 Step 1:  Be prepared.  There’s nothing worse than needing to change a flat and not knowing where your tools are located, how to use them, where the spare is or how to remove it for installation.  These are things that should be sorted out the very first time your car is in your driveway.  Most cars come with instructions in the user’s manual and printed on decals in various locations throughout the car.  A quick Google search can provide you with the info you need if neither of those instructions are available.  Also, make sure your spare is in good condition.  A flat or under-inflated spare is useless when you need it most.
 One of the most important steps of preparation is to practice changing the tire in your driveway.  It’s much easier to correct a mistake in a controlled environment than it is on the side of the highway in the pouring rain.  Also, you’ll know what to expect and how best to go about it when the actual flat does occur.

 Step 2:  Be safe.  You’ll know when you have a flat.  Your car will pull to one side and you’ll hear a very different sound coming from that tire.  Even though you might feel tempted to hit the brakes and stop the car the moment you know something is wrong, keep driving until you can safely pull off the road, either onto the shoulder or into a parking lot.  The left lane of the NJ Turnpike during rush-hour is no place to change a tire.
 If you’ve pulled onto the shoulder, make yourself visible.  Road flares are nice, but I’d recommend a couple of reflective triangles.  They’re easy to store and easy to use.  If you have neither, put your hazard lights on.  Finally, remember to put your emergency brake on.  If your tool kit comes with wheel chocks (angled pieces of metal that you wedge behind your tires), use them.

 Step 3:  Which tire to change?  Duh, the flat one, right?  Ultimately, yes, but it’s not always the only one that needs to be changed.  If you have a full-size spare, go ahead with changing the flat tire, whichever one it might be.  However, if you have a compact spare, or “donut,” you need to make sure that it isn’t replacing a drive wheel.  If your car is front-wheel drive, you can’t put a donut in place of a front tire.  For a rear-wheel drive car, the opposite is true.  You have to replace a flat drive wheel with another full-size tire from some other corner of your car.  Typically, the other tire on the same side as the flat is the best choice.  You must first remove this one and replace it with the donut, then repeat the steps with the actual flat and replace it with the removed full-size tire.  Make sense?

 Step 4:  Loosen the lug nuts/bolts.  You thought I was gonna say “Jack up your car,” didn’t you?  Nope.  If you try to remove the lug nuts with the tire up in the air it’ll just free-wheel.  You need the weight of the car against the tire for the necessary friction to loosen them.  After removing any hub cap or plate that might be covering them, place the lug-wrench (provided in your car’s tool kit) securely over the lug nut, place both hands on the end of the wrench and turn it counter-clockwise until the nut can be turned easily.  Move to the lug nut/bolt directly across from the one you just loosened and repeat the steps until they’re all loose.  Note that some vehicles come equipped with a “lock” lug, which is basically a lug nut or bolt with a funky-shaped head that requires a special tool to remove.  This tool should be a part of your tool kit.  Don’t lose it!

 Step 5: NOW, jack up your car.  Place the jack on a level surface, close to the tire you plan to remove, towards the inside of the car (behind the front wheel, ahead of the rear wheel).  Most cars have a specific frame-lip or hole that mates up with the jack (but you already knew this from step 1, right?).  Make sure to use this feature and don’t just jack anywhere.  You could bend and otherwise damage the car’s body.  Jack it up slowly and smoothly, get the tire high enough that it spins freely without hitting the ground and then jack it up another inch or so.  The inflated tire will have a larger diameter than the flat one.

 Step 6: Remove and replace the tire.  The lug nuts that you loosened in step 4 should come off easily.  Place them in a secure location (in the grass is not a secure location).  If the tire doesn’t come off easily, give it a few well-placed heel-kicks in alternating corners (N,S,E,W) until it does.  Line up the replacement tire with the wheel studs/holes and push it until it rests solidly against the wheel hub.  There should be no side-to-side play and the wheel shouldn’t be canted or angled. 

 Step 7: Tighten the lug nuts/bolts.  Basically, repeat step 4 in reverse.  Thread the first lug nut as far as you can by hand, tighten until the wheel spins, and repeat with the lug nut directly across from it (this is important!).  Repeat until all lug nuts are tight and the wheel is secure.

 Step 8:  Lower the car.  Pretty self-explanatory.  Do the opposite of step 5.  I always put the jack away at this point since it’s likely that I’ll leave it out and run over it otherwise.

 Step 9: Finish tightening the lug nuts/bolts.  Now that the car is safely back on the ground, we have enough friction to really snug those lug nuts down.  Using the same alternating pattern, tighten the nuts slowly and smoothly with the lug wrench, taking advantage of its length for leverage.  You only need to tighten it as much as you can with two hands.  Please, don’t stand on the wrench and bounce up and down on it.  It’s not necessary and could damage your wheel studs.

 Step 10:  Drive away like a man.  That is, safely.  Make sure all your tools have been put away, give your work a once-over and get back in the car.  Hazard lights off, e-brake off, turn signal on and carefully merge into traffic.  Keep your radio and any other distractions off for the first few miles.  You want to listen for any strange noises or vibrations.  If you notice something, stop and double-check your work.  If not, continue on with the knowledge that you pulled off the road a boy, but now continue on your way to your destination a man.