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  As men’s wardrobes become more and more casual, the finer points of formal wear become more and more muddied until they disappear into the annals of sartorial history, only to be revived decades later in shows like Mad Men.  Once upon a time, fathers would pass these cherished rules down to their sons as part of their education.  There were rules on everything from how to dimple a tie to how to properly lace different types of dress shoes (yes, there is a right and wrong way for each).  One such point is what you might call “suit button etiquette.”  Nowadays, the average guy, buying his one and only black, fused, polyester suit at Men’s Wearhouse, might look at his three-button jacket and think, “There’s three buttons and three button holes, so why not button them all?”  If it were really that simple, this post would be pointless.  Obviously, you don’t button them all, but it’s not just for the sake of archaic rules.  There’s a rhyme and reason to it.  Let’s begin.

Why it matters -

 A man’s suit jacket is not outerwear.  It’s not a baggy sweatshirt or a puffy down vest.  If you look at a suit jacket closely, it’s a very complex garment with lots of seams, welts, vents, lining, interlining and buttons.  A well-made, well-fitting suit has a built-in drape.  It’s made to sit on your body in a very particular way and should taper evenly from your armpits to your waist.  When you button a suit, you should do it in such a way that it maintains the drape, which means the button that hits closest to your natural waist, regardless of how many buttons the suit has, should always be buttoned.

 ”So, why the extra buttons?” you might ask.  Well, like most men’s formal wear, suits are descendent from military uniforms and, as such, are rife with the vestiges of military tradition and utilitarian paraphernalia: buttons, pockets and miscellaneous doo-dads.  They also add variety and allow for different shapes of lapels to suit different body types. 

Single-breasted suits -

 A single breasted suit is one that has both sides of the jacket meeting vertically, in the middle of the wearers body, joined by a single row of buttons.  These come in two and three button and, less commonly, one and four button varieties.  There are also variations like three-roll-two suits, where the suit has three buttons and button holes but the lapel is “rolled” down to the middle button to appear like a two button.  Regardless of how many buttons, one rule applies to all of them:  The button that hits at the waist should always be buttoned when standing.  For one-button suits, the choice is easy.  Two-button suits should have the top button buttoned.  For three-buttons, it’s the middle button.  The top button can be buttoned for a more formal look but it’s generally not necessary.  Regarding four-plus-button suits, unless you’re a basketball player, stay away from them.  If you are tall enough to wear one well, I’d suggest buttoning the middle two, but since I’m at the low end of the height curve I can’t really comment.

Double-breasted suits -

  A double-breasted suit is one that has both sides of the jacket overlapping each other with a row of buttons on the inside and outside, with only half the outer buttons being functional.  If you’ve ever owned a pea coat, you know how this works.  The most typical double-breasted suit is the six-button with only two functional outer buttons (6x2), but they come in a variety as well.  The same rules apply in this case.  The button that hits the waist is always buttoned, those above are optional, those below are forbidden.  The main difference is that a double-breasted suit is never unbuttoned in public, regardless of whether you’re sitting, standing or playing a game of Twister.  By the way, the inside fastening button is traditionally referred to as a jigger.  I’d be careful with this term if you happen to have a lot of Jewish friends immersed in hip-hop culture.  

Zoot suits -

 …should be burned.  That is all.

Exceptions -

 As with all rules, there will be exceptions.  For example, not all single-breasted suits have a button that hits exactly at the waist.  Take a look at the picture below of JFK (sadly, on the day of his assassination).  You’ll notice both buttons on his two-button suit are buttoned.  He had a preference for two-button suits that had a button 2” above and 2” below the waist which he wore to conceal a back-brace he had to wear due to a war injury.  Notice that, due to the construction, both buttons could be buttoned without distorting the lines of the suit:

The Duke of Windsor is another example of a rebel in a double-breasted suit.  As shown in the photo below, he made it a habit to only button the bottom button on his 4x2 double breasted suits and often left the jigger undone.  The reason?  The Duke of Windsor stood at a commanding 5’3” tall.  By buttoning the bottom button only, he created a longer line and a deeper ‘V’ with the lapels that drew the eye up vertically and elongated his frame:

 The moral of the story is, it’s ok to break the rules if you know what you’re doing.  But until you become a head of state, stick with what works.

nevver:

All Things Awesome

So far, this winter has been a man’s winter.  At least, it has here in the Northeast.    Just this past weekend, we got hammered with 2 feet of snow and another foot is expected tonight (where’s your global warming now, Al Gore?).  Personally, I’m happy that winter has decided to show itself at last.  There hadn’t been a decent snowfall since ’96 and many of my teenage winters were spent traveling north for snowboarding on man-made snow, or my personal favorite, “mud-boarding.”  I longed for the serious snow fall we used to get when I was a kid.  You could make a snowman without rolling bare patches in your lawn and it would last all winter.  Of course, now that I’m older, snow takes on a different meaning.  Don’t get me wrong, I still love it.  There’s nothing quite like walking through the trees while snow is falling silently around you.  In fact, snow is pretty much pure awesome in every category save two:  driving and shoveling.  The former deserves a post all its own, but we’re going to focus on the latter for today’s discussion.

                Shoveling snow has always been one of those unpleasant tasks that have fallen squarely on the shoulders of the male of the species.  I’m tempted to say that all outdoor maintenance is usually the responsibility of the male, but I see a lot of women taking on some serious tasks.  Not just your typical gardening or even leaf raking but serious stuff like mowing the lawn and stump removal.  But shoveling just hasn’t made the gender leap yet, I suppose.  A big part of the reason is probably because it’s back-breaking labor.  Shoveling snow makes full use of your body under harsh conditions and is literally not for the faint of heart.  If you want to survive, you have to be prepared and you have to have a game plan. 

The Gear

                If you want to make yourself miserable, try doing a job with the wrong tools.  It’ll ruin your day, guaranteed.  The same is true for shoveling snow.  Not only do you need the right tools for removing the snow, but you need the right equipment for shielding your body from the elements and keeping yourself comfortable as you exert yourself. 

-Shovel

                OK, let’s get this out right off the bat:  you can use a snow-blower if you have one.  I don’t have one so I’m gonna take the position that a snow-blower is overkill for most driveway and sidewalk applications and, in general, is less manly.  If you give me a free snow-blower though, I might change my position.

                When it comes to choosing a shovel, if you’re like most guys, you take whatever’s left at the supermarket after a mad dash the night before the storm.    However, if you plan ahead of time, choose a shovel that works best for you.  You might have your eye on that 36” wide Behemoth that comes with a lifting belt and a hernia warning sticker.  However, bigger isn’t always better.  The bigger the blade, the heavier the load of snow you have to lift.  Get something that is wide enough to make a decent walking path with one pass but don’t go overboard.   Also, get something that’s built to last.  Wood and metal handles are nice but avoid plastic.  They tend to bend and the connections give pretty easily.   Also, get a shovel design that works for the type of shoveling you plan to do.  If you just need to clear a path, a push-shovel might be what you need.  They usually have long straight handles and a blade shaped like a plow.  For actual snow removal from point A to point B, you might want an ergonomic (bent) handled shovel.

-Clothing

                What you wear while you’re shoveling is very important.   You want to stay dry and warm while simultaneously allowing your body to cool itself as you exert yourself.  To achieve this, you don’t need super technical Thinsulex-Plastipont-Gorecrylic-Intellisilk outerwear.  Unless of course, you enjoy looking and sounding like a garbage bag full of aluminum foil wearing a diaper.   Nature has already figured out what works best in adverse conditions, so go with natural fibers.   Wool is an excellent insulator.   It’s warm, quiet, breathes well and is wind and water-resistant.  It even insulates when it’s soaking wet.   Wear as much wool as you can when in the snow. 

For specific items, I‘d recommend a thick wool Mackinaw coat, a wool Pendelton button down shirt and a Stormy Kromer hat (for when it’s snowing) or a Mad Bomber (for when you’re in Fargo).  A nice pair of East German surplus wool pants and some wool hunting socks will keep your bottom half warm and dry.

For covering your hands and feet, nothing protects like leather.    You might be tempted to break out your snowboarding boots and gloves, but they aren’t built for shoveling.  If you’ve ever tried to walk any distance in a pair of snow-boarding boots, you know they’re about as comfortable as a pair of Forrest Gump leg braces.  A good pair of Pac Boots by L.L. Bean, Schnee’s or Sorel will be much more comfortable and abrasion resistant.  I think they look pretty cool too, in a woodsy lumberjack kind of way.   When it comes to your hands,  they will take a serious beating when you’re shoveling and a cheap pair of gloves will ruin your day.  Go for leather mittens.  I’d suggest Chopper Mitts or the ultimate “GI Arctic Mitts.”  They’re equipped with rip-stop gauntlets that look like they go up to your shoulder and a soft wool SNAP (SNot Absorption Pad) on the back of each mitt.  I’m pretty sure you can handle liquid nitrogen with those bad boys. 

-Technique

                There’s a saying that I like to apply to everything I do.  It says:  “Work smarter, not harder.”  This is especially true when it comes to shoveling snow.  As soon as the snow stops, I see all of my neighbors make a mad dash outside to shovel every inch of accumulated snow in their driveways and sidewalks.  It usually takes them a couple of hours on average.  I go out too, but it takes me about 10 minutes and I smarmily wave goodbye to all of my neighbors when I’m done and watch them from my toasty living room for the rest of the afternoon.  I don’t have any less ground to clear than they do.  If anything, I have more since I live on a corner and have two sidewalks to clear.  But my secret is to shovel early and shovel often.  I go out while it’s still snowing and shovel every couple of hours or about 4-6 inches of accumulation.  Since it’s usually warmer when the snow is falling than it is once the front clears out, it’s actually more comfortable to do it this way.  No single pass is overly-strenuous and, once the snow stops, I just do a quick final pass and I’m done.   Here are a few additional tips that make shoveling easier:

·         Park your cars in the garage, if you have one (that isn’t stuffed full of crap you never use).  It’s easier and faster to shovel a flat driveway than it is to clear off a car.

·         Don’t drink coffee or your usual six pack of Red Bull before shoveling.  Caffeine is a stimulant, which increases your heart rate and causes your blood vessels to constrict. This places extra stress on the heart.  That’s bad ju-ju.

·         Drink plenty of water. Dehydration is just as big an issue in cold winter months as it is in the summer.

·         Warm up your muscles before shoveling by playing in the snow for a while. Warm muscles are happy muscles and everyone could use a good snowball fight.

·         Begin shoveling slowly to avoid placing a sudden demand on your heart. Pace yourself and take breaks as needed.   It’s not a race (unless your neighbor also reads this blog, in which case, it’s on!).

·         Protect your back from injury by lifting correctly.  Bend from the knees (not the back) and tighten your stomach muscles as you lift the snow. Avoid twisting movements. If you need to move the snow to one side reposition your feet to face the direction the snow will be going.

·         Most importantly — listen to your body. Stop if you feel death pain!

               It’s no secret that I’m a big believer in men being prepared for every situation.  However, thanks to some of the images of “manliness” that we’re exposed to on TV and in the movies, many guys mistakenly think that being prepared to fend off a zombie attack or survive a home invasion are the only “survival skills” a man needs.  Well, I hate to break it to you folks, but there’s more to life than the complete breakdown of civilization.  Sad, I know.  But if Will Smith’s character in I am Legend took the time to exercise and cook his dog veggies, despite being the last human in the Big Apple, maybe we should take a look at some of the (arguably) less “masculine” but, by no means, less “manly” skills that allow us to survive in the civilized world.  At least until the commies invade, Red-Dawn-style .

                One of these important “domestic survival skills” is ironing.  Keeping your clothes neat and pressed is important.  Your personal appearance is the first thing someone notices about you, and pressed clothing says “I have the manual dexterity to safely handle a hot thing, and I care about how I look.”  Unfortunately, current fashion trends and modern materials are really working overtime to put ironing out of its misery.  If, per chance, you actually come across a guy who shops for himself, and his wardrobe isn’t comprised entirely of t-shirts and jeans that he throws on straight from Mom’s dryer (or worse, the floor), you might find a lot of “wrinkle-free” dress shirts and slacks in his closet.  You might say to yourself “Huzzah, Self!  I can avoid ironing and still look like a grown-up!”  Well, I’m all for modern convenience (that’s a lie, actually) but look me up in 20 years, when decades of your bare skin’s direct exposure to harsh petro-chemicals has turned you into a flesh-eating zombie (I’ll be ready, *shuck-chunk*).  Call me paranoid, but I prefer natural fibers, or at least a blend that has more natural than synthetic in it.  Especially for button-down shirts, which is what this post happens to be about.

                Of all the articles of clothing in a man’s wardrobe that require ironing, the button-down shirt is the most complex.  It has collar stays, lots of seams and panels, varying layers of fabric and lot’s of…buttons (imagine that).  Many men (and women) are so intimidated by it that they would rather send shirts to the cleaners to have them cleaned and pressed and then think that, at 99 cents per shirt, they’ve gotten a good deal.  Trust me, they haven’t.*  The truth is that ironing a button-down shirt is easy if you follow the right steps.  Once you master the button-down, any other ironing you have to do will be cake.  Here’s how it’s done:

                Step 0:  Preparation.

- Your shirt should be clean (duh).  

- If they’re removable, make sure to take out the collar stays (the little plastic tabs inside the collar points).  Hopefully, you did this before you washed the shirt.  Otherwise, check your drier’s lint trap.

- Make sure you have a decent quality iron with a steam feature and an adjustable heat dial.  Not all fabrics can deal with one, super-hot setting.

- Grab a sturdy ironing board with a cushion over it.  It’s very difficult to do some of the steps without an ironing board, but not impossible. 

- Distilled water for the steam.  Tap water will work, but it will eventually ruin your iron and deposit some vitamins and minerals all over your clothes.

Step 1:  The collar.

                Once the iron is nice and hot, you can start ironing by laying the collar flat on the board with the back of it facing up.

                Starting at the points, iron towards the center until it’s crease-free.  Flip the shirt over and repeat on the other side.

                Step 2:  The yoke:

                The yoke is the double-layered section of the shirt that spans both shoulders, across the top of your back.  This is where the shape of the ironing board comes into play.  Slip the shirt over the pointy end so the yoke lays relatively flat.  Iron until smooth.

                Step 3:  The cuffs:

                Regardless of what kind of cuffs your shirt has (standard, barrel, French), the process is the same.  Open the cuff, lay it flat, inside facing up and iron it smooth.  Flip it over and repeat with the outside.

                Step 4:  The sleeves.

                If you’ve noticed, until now we’ve only ironed the parts of the shirt that are composed of multiple layers of fabric.  These parts are stiffer than the others and, once ironed, help to align the single-layer fabric parts for a uniform look.  Now that we have the yoke and cuffs pressed, the sleeves can be ironed.  Arrange the sleeve so that the seam running along the bottom is straight and iron it until smooth.  You may chose to iron the other side if necessary, but it’s usually not if you aligned it correctly.  Repeat the steps with the other sleeve.

                Step 5:  The plackets.

                The packets are the folded strips of fabric where the buttons and button-holes are located.  These need to be ironed before the body panels can be done.  The button-hole placket is very important since it is the most visible part of your shirt, aside from the collar.  Use the point of the iron to get between the buttons on the button placket.  Don’t put the iron directly over the buttons.  Especially if they’re made of horn or some other natural material, which, when burnt,  smells like tooth-sawdust like when you get a cavity filled.

                Step 6:  The sides.

                Now that you have the entire shirt blocked out, ironing the large side panels is cake.  Slide the shirt over the pointy end with the panel pointing up and iron until smooth.  Flip it over and repeat with the other panel.  When you’re ironing the panel with the pocket, make sure you iron the pocket first, starting from the edges and working your way in.

                Step 7:  The back.

                If you’ve made it this far without burning yourself, tripping over the cord or gotten side-tracked into making grilled cheese sandwiches, a la Benny and Joon  congratulations.  You’re almost done.  The back is large and should be done in two parts.  Just slip it over the ironing board and go to town.  Some shirts have darts or pleats below the yoke.  These are put there to allow you to move without feeling like a stuffed sausage.  Take care to iron these so they look natural, without any creases.  Do this with the other half of the back and you’re one step away!

                Step 8:  Collar stays.

                If you took them out in Step 0, put them back in. 

             Hang your shirt up so it stays pressed, or put it on and enjoy the fruits of your labor.  Please wear it responsibly.

                * A note on dry-cleaning.  When you take a dress shirt to your local dry-cleaner and pay 99 cents a shirt (varies) you’re not getting what you think you are.  Unless, you specify “dry-cleaning” (which costs about $5 a shirt), your shirt is getting thrown into an industrial washing machine with hundreds of strangers’ sweaty-armpit shirts, getting washed with the cheapest detergent and being pressed by machine and starched out the wazoo, which shortens its lifespan.   If you’re made of money and do specify dry-cleaning, that’s even worse.  The chemicals used in dry-cleaning deteriorate cotton fibers and will give your shirt a yellowish tinge.  Washing and ironing at home will almost always save you money and wear in the long run.

theimpossiblecool:

Fellini.

(via rulesformyunbornson)

Photo courtesy of Here North photography

  The last day of my weekend out in Michigan was an interesting one, for sure.  My wife hadn’t been feeling “right” for some time before our trip, and it had progressively gotten worse.  Being the typical man that I am, I didn’t think much of it and, basically, told her to suck it up and go rub some dirt in it (o_O).  I’m really bad with showing empathy for physical pain, since, like a lot of other guys, I was raised in the school of “be-a-man,” where a skinned knee is to be walked off with a smile and stitches are a DIY affair, if you have the time.  It’s not something I’m proud of, but I’m secretly annoyed at the average person’s intolerance for pain and I lose patience quickly.  As my punishment, I was sent to the local pharmacy on that cold Saturday morning, by myself in a strange town, to buy an unmistakeably female product…

 It was 11:45AM exactly, when a little pink plus sign changed my life forever.  What I had assumed were my wife’s exaggerated aches and pains had actually been very real symptoms of pregnancy.  It’s tough to describe in words all the things that went through my head at that moment, but I specifically remember taking a quick inventory of my life to date and realizing that I hadn’t accomplished everything I felt I needed to be a good father and complete person.  It’s not that I hadn’t had the time to do them, I just lacked the motivation.  I had put these things off out of sheer laziness for years.  Now, I was down to exactly 9 months to get them done. 

 It’s amazing how a life-changing event can provide you with the motivation to do things you might never have done.  And how quickly that motivation can be taken away.  A few days after our return to NJ, my wife started having some serious abdominal pain and bleeding.  Naturally, I feared the worst, and a trip to the doctor seemed to confirm it.  The doctor was “almost positive” she had miscarried.  All the goals I had set for myself and the life I had imagined would be in my care and keeping had gone just as quickly as they had appeared.  As I settled myself in for a nice long bout with depression, I had a bit of a realization:  while a child is certainly a worthwhile cause for whipping yourself into shape ASAP, it’s an artificial motivator.  I realized it was no different from someone offering me lots of money, or conversely, putting a gun to my head to get me to do something I didn’t want to.  As soon as the “motivation” was out of the picture, so was my drive to accomplish anything.  If I wanted to achieve all those things, I needed to provide my own motivation.

 They key to achieving things in life is, and has always been, setting goals.  If you don’t have goals in life, it’s like getting in your car and driving, but without a destination in mind or a route planned out.  Chances are, when you run out of gas, you won’t like where you’ve ended up.  Of course, that’s nothing new.  We’ve been hearing about the importance of goals for years.  The tough part is learning to set and achieve your goals in a way that keeps you motivated.  Here’s a few old tips with some modern touches on how to set goals for yourself.

 Step 1:  State and define your destination.  You can’t accomplish a goal if you don’t know what it is.  Your goal should be as detailed and specific as possible.  Saying “I want to be more spiritual”, or “I want to have more money” is not a very good goal.  Instead, it should be concrete and measurable / track-able so you’ll be sure that you’re making progress, or that you’ve accomplished it.  It helps if you write it down. 

 Step 2:  Plan your route.  If every journey begins with a single step, then every accomplishment begins with a single task.  Break your goal up into individual tasks and work on them one at a time.  Easy. I create a Word document with my goal as the title and all the info on how to get it done in bullet points below.  That way, I can cross off the things I’ve completed.

 Step 3:  Track your progress.  Driving across Pennsylvania is the worst part of the trip to Kalamazoo.  It’s frikkin’ long.  The mile markers on the side of the turnpike help you keep your sanity and gauge how much longer you have to go.  The same goes for tracking goals.  I like to use Don’t Break the Chain to help me keep track of my progress.  A low-fi alternative is to get a big calendar and mark a red ‘X’ on the days you accomplish a task (it can only be red).       

 Step 4:  Reward yourself.  Made it through PA in 5 hours?  Stretch your legs at the next rest stop, buy a local t-shirt and a Toblerone.  You earned it.  On your way to a goal, make sure to reward yourself periodically for completing a task or two.  The kind of reward can vary, just be smart about it.  If your goal is to lose weight and you’re half-way there, buy yourself a new outfit, not a $100 gift certificate to Old Country Buffet.

 Step 5:  Re-asses your goals.  Maybe you bit off more than you can chew, and you’d rather stay in Pittsburgh than keep driving to Kalamazoo.  That’s cool.  Sometimes, our goals can be unrealistic.  Don’t get discouraged, just change your goal to more accurately align with, you know, reality.

 Well, that’s pretty much it.  Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I’ve still only got nine months to get myself together ;).

  Last Friday, while in Kalamazoo, my sister-in-law, Tera, made a delicious and very traditional dinner.  I can’t say enough about how great a cook she is.  She’s one of the best I know, hands down.  Then again, my perspective might be a little skewed because my mother is such a terrible cook and I suffered throughout my entire childhood.  Think that’s harsh?  One taste of her “bacon-eggplant pie” and you’ll know how serious I am.  In any case, I had been thinking about Tera’s cooking for weeks before the trip and we had managed to get a “free” turkey from our local supermarket, so we stuffed the bird in the trunk (pun fully intended) and headed out west.  The dinner was everything I had hoped for: green-bean casserole, corn-bake, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce and all those other things that a spanish kid from Jersey only ever sees on TV.  Everything was perfect (except for the “floor-tatoes” that “someone” managed to drop) and then, it happened.  Dinner came to a crashing halt as screams of terror emanating from the kitchen pierced the cold Michigan air (actually, it was mad hot in that house).  My wife called me into the kitchen and I could sense the panic in her voice.  As I arrived on the scene, I saw my sister-in-law, knife-in hand with a wide-eyed look on her face, staring down at what had once been a beautiful turkey, and I knew what the problem was.  Someone had attempted to remove the meat from a drumstick, but the results looked like they belonged in a Thanksgiving taco.  It was clear that no one knew how to properly carve a turkey.

 If you think about it, it’s easy to see why many people, even those who are pretty handy in the kitchen, don’t know how to carve a bird.  We’ve become completely shielded from the origins of our food.  If you go to the supermarket, you can get any cut of meat, skinless, pre-seasoned, de-boned, thin-sliced, dyed pretty colors and shrink-wrapped in a pastel foam tray without having to give a second thought to where your disembodied chicken breast came from.  Sure, it’s convenient, but it also widens the disconnect we have with the world around us. 

 Today, we have many choices when it comes to what we eat, but once upon a time, everyone had to hunt, gather, process and cook their own food.  Many of these tasks fell to the male of the species, including the distribution of a carcass among his family members.  In fact, in the Bible, the first mention of man eating animals occurs after the Great Flood, when God told Noah it was OK to eat animals, so long as their blood had been drained.  No doubt Noah’s family looked to him for direction when it came time for that first meaty meal.  I often wonder what it might have been like… (cue flashback sequence music)

 - Well, kids we made it through the flood.  That ark held up nicely.  Shem, good work on the waterproofing. Now, who’s hungry?  C’mon, line it up.  Everyone gets a hunk of cow.

 - Dad, I don’t like mine, it’s wiggly.

 - Well, trade with your brother.

 - I’ll trade! I like mine wiggly, I think.  Wait, is it free-range cow hunk?

 - Uh, no, it’s ark-raised, remember?

 - Yeah, no, that’s unsanitary.

 - But, you were the one in charge of cleaning the stables!

 - Yeah, about that… Hey how ‘bout those Nephilim, eh?  They really sank like stones, hehe. Hehe. Errr.
 
 - Dad, Ham stuck his finger in my cow hunk!

 - Umm, Noah?  Is it possible to get a low-sodium alternative?

 - Why, of course daughter-in-law.  Let me just mosey on over to the local Trader Joe’s.  Oh wait.  It’s under hundreds of feet of water. And we’re stuck on a mountain top.  Four thousand years too soon.  Eat your cow hunks, all of you!

 The Bible goes on to say that Noah proceeded to plant a vineyard and drink of the wine, but it’s unclear as to why.

 Right, anyway, it’s clear that the portioning and distribution of the meat was a manly tradition established centuries ago that survives to this very day, and every man should familiarize himself with the process.  The following is a step-by-step break-down on how it’s done:

 Step 1:  Let the bird rest.

 You might be tempted to slice into that puppy as soon as it’s out of the oven.  We here at RSDII recommend that you A) don’t eat puppies and B) let the bird sit for 10 to 15 minutes before carving it.  For larger birds, you should wait even longer.  The reason is that the juices inside the turkey are still boiling and cooking the meat.  If you allow them time to cool off, they will be re-absorbed into the meat and make for a much “moistier” meal.  While it’s resting, you should gather your carving paraphernalia:  a large cutting board with a groove for catching juices, a sharp boning knife, carving knife and fork, as well as a serving platter.

 Step 2: Off with its legs!

 Roll up your sleeves, it’s carvin’ time.  Grab a drumstick by the end and pull it away from the body while carefully cutting the skin near the joint with the boning knife.  You should be able to see down to the joint where the thigh meets the body.  Place the knife against the joint and give it a twist while pulling the leg away and the joint should just pop right out.  Carefully, cut and separate the leg from the body and then separate the drum from the thigh using the same technique.  The drumstick can be served “caveman style” so you can place it on one end of the serving platter at this point.  The thighs have a single, easy-to-remove bone in them, so carve the meat away in serving size pieces until you can get to it.  Once it’s out, carve the rest of the thigh meat and place it next to the drumsticks.

 Step 3:  Wings.

 Removing the wings is very similar to the technique used for the legs.  Pull, cut, separate, pop joint and enjoy.  Place these next to the thigh meat or directly onto the plate of your enemy.

 Step 4:  Breast meat.

 Once upon a time, I used to cut the slices off directly from the bird.  This is nice when you’re carving at a table, but table space is precious and “greasy knives take lives” (I just made that up), so instead I remove the breast whole and then slice it up.  Start by making a cut along the breast bone and just off to the side of it with the boning knife.  Slowly cut deeper and deeper as you pull the breast away from the bone.  You should end up with one clean hunk of meat.  Slice it up long-ways like a loaf of bread with the carving knife.  Use long, even strokes and utilize the entire edge of the knife to reduce crumbling.  Even though you get smaller slices this way, they’re much juicier than traditionally cut ones.  Only carve as much as you plan to eat.  If there’s enough meat on the platter for everyone with just one breast, keep the other one in tact until you plan to eat it.  It stays juicier this way. 

 A few additional notes:

 - Don’t go straight for the white meat.  Dark meat is more flavorful.  Leave the delicate, tastes-like-everything breast meat for the ladies at the table.

 - If you’re carving at the table, the best piece goes to the woman who made the meal.  If the meal was made by a man, give it to the eldest woman at the table.  If you’re not sure whether the person who made the meal is a man or a woman, politely excuse yourself and then run away.  Those are the rules. 

 - Use your hands.  Remember, you’re tearing an animal limb from limb.  Now is not the time to be dainty. 

- The fork should only be used to steady the bird, not stab it.  Try not to poke any holes in the turkey.

 - If you’re having Tofurky, skip straight to step 5.  What?  No step 5?  Aww, shucks.

This past weekend, I took a road trip to visit my brother-in-law and his wife in Kalamazoo, Michigan (yeah, it’s real).  It’s a long ride to K-Zoo (it’s even got a nickname) and the only other guy that was going, bailed on me last-minute.  It ended up being me and three women in the car for 12 hours each way.  Realizing quickly that attempting to paddle my lone raft of manhood in a sea of estrogen was futile, I decided to just go with the flow and let the conversation lead itself.  I managed to learn something remarkable:  every now and then, if you just listen to a woman, you learn something.

As expected, the conversation soon turned to complaints about men.  One complaint in particular seemed to be at the top of every one’s list:  the fact that many men today don’t pursue women, but rather wait for them to make the first move.  Being an advocate of all things manly and protector of fine manly traditions, I naturally agreed with this position, but for the sake of livening things up, I played Devil’s advocate and asked “Why, in a time in society where women have made so many advancements towards being on equal footing with men, would you want to submit to such an archaic and overtly sexist notion that relegates you to being prizes up for grabs to the most qualified caveman?” It occurred to me as I felt the cold stares of three women burning icy holes into the back of my head, that I had never thought about the answer to the question I had just posed.  Thankfully, I received no shortage of answers on exactly what my problem was.  Let’s just say, the state of Ohio will never be the same in my mind.

The thing is that, no matter how “equal” women are to men in today’s society, they will always be different.  That includes the way they view love and relationships.  I have yet to meet a woman who doesn’t want to be wooed, desired and won over by the man she wants, even if these feelings have been pushed deep down by the standards of the “modern woman.”  Likewise, every man, no matter how modernized, feminized, metrosexualized or otherwise wussified, is still competitive at heart and holds winning in high regard - especially when it comes to the love of his life.  Let’s break it down further.

In order for a man to even be attracted to a woman (more than just physically) she has to be special to him.  She has to have self-worth.  Her affection has to be selective, not just given away to any guy that pouts like Pattinson, but instead, won.  If you come across a woman like this, no doubt she’ll quickly gain your respect, but if you happen to be in the market for a mate, this is an irresistible turn-on.  It’s like a primitive switch turns on in your brain making you a ruthless hunter, stopping at nothing to beat out all the other guys that are vying for her attention, subdue them and raise their bloody entrails skyward in victory.  The harder/tougher/longer the chase, the greater the thrill of finally being with her and the more valuable she’ll be to you.  Now I know a lot of you might be scoffing at such and old-fashioned take on the subject, but let’s examine what happens when the woman becomes the pursuer.

Ladies, if you make yourself too available, even forward, it’s very likely that you will land your guy.  Men that poop on a woman’s advances are few and far between.  However, the guy you get will not see you as a prize or even as long-term relationship material.  The fact is, he won’t value you because he didn’t have to do a thing to get you.  By pursuing him, you’re basically cheating him of winning his prize, so it’s easy for him to care less about you.  You’re also cheating yourself.  You will never know how much he wants you or values you because he will never have had to prove it.  Even though it might eventually lead to a serious relationship, the foundation will be flawed by the nagging suspicion that both of you settled for less than you were worth.

So, ladies and gentlemen, your best bet on a successful relationship, regardless of your position on feminism and equality of the sexes, is to cater to the natural tendencies of both sexes and let the man do the pursuing.  As with all things, moderation and common sense are in order.  Men shouldn’t pursue every woman they meet incessantly.  I suggest applying the Brad Pitt (circa “Fight Club”) rule.  If you make your move and the woman rejects you, ask yourself, “Would she have rejected Brad Pitt (circa “Fight Club”) under the same circumstances?”  If the answer is “No,” move on, she doesn’t like you.  The important thing is that YOU make the move.  On the other hand, women shouldn’t take playing hard-to-get too far if they’re into the guy.  There’s only so many times a man can crash and burn before he gives up.  Some can take it more than others (it took me 13 years) but women should at least throw the guy a bone.  Give him a signal that he can win every now and then.

That’s it for this installment, but stay tuned for more in the “Lessons from Kalamazoo” series.  It was a great trip full of awesome experiences that need to be blogged about in a tongue-in-cheek yet subtly educational way.